Friday 1 December 2017

Twas The Night Before Christmas in Dog River

People often say that they don't like to blow their own horn. If this is the case why own a horn? Why have a perfectly good horn go to waste. I suppose what they mean is they usually have someone blow their horns for them (steady you ...naughty!). Kings and Queens have those fellas that have the dirty big trumpets they toot on when they enter the room. I have never seen royalty blow their own horn in that respect. What if all the trumpeters were ill with gastroenteritis and the Queen needed to herald her entrance to a room? She would have to do it herself wouldn't she? She would have to run in, pick up the big trumpet, give it a parp, run back to the door and come in the room again. She would be all out of puff doing that all day and ones royal tootsies would be barking!

Anyway, I am one of those who doesn't like to blow his own wind instrument. However, when I wrote the following back in 2017 I was really pleased with it. My first attempt at parody changing the classic Twas the Night Before Christmas into a Corner Gas story. When you write a silly version of something well known you have to make sure that all the recognizable elements are still there, you can't just write a whole different, in this case, poem and call it a parody. I feel I licked that and managed (just) to have the whole thing be a unique story taking place in Dog River. I was really chuffed and couldn't wait to unleash my Christmas present to the Corner Gas Fans around the world who would lift me high on their shoulders and parade me about the place in honour of my genius!

I released it. No one read it.

So, I'm giving it another crack of the whip. A couple of you will have seen this before - I make no apology for that. For the rest of you, gather the family around the fire, crack open the Egg Nog and get all cozy with my Corner Gassed "Twas The Night Before Christmas".


Twas the Night Before Christmas, at the Corner Gas pumps
Not a Person was working ,the big, lazy, lumps
When Hank runs in, Brent gives him a stare
And says "Ask me for twenty bucks, go on..if you dare!"

"I need it for gifts" Hank thoughtfully said
"Either that or a fan belt." Whilst Brent punched his head
Hank squeaked "Hey you almost made me loose my cap"
"Get out" Brent replied "'less you want a dirt nap!"

When out on the lawn, there rose such a clatter
Oscar fell off the roof, on the lawn he did splatter
"Why are you dressed as Santa" asked Emma of his mass
"I'm delivering presents - what d'ya think? Ya Jackass!"

Oscar picked himself up, said "I wish there was snow,
When you fall off a roof, it softens the blow."
"When you bump your noggin, what will appear?
Not stars and tweety birds, like a cartoon my dear!"

He continued "I may be an old codger, not lively and quick"
"But I will deliver presents better than stupid Saint Nick!"
Everyone ran out to see Oscar had made a big gaff
So they pointed at him and had a great laugh!

"Now Wanda, now Lacey, now Hank & Brent"
Emma says "Don't laugh because Oscar is battered and bent"
Then she looked at her husband & rightly she knew
When everyone was not looking then she would laugh too

Davis and Karen turned up all a flutter
"We heard all the noise, who is this Santa clad nutter!"
Oscar said "It is me! I was on the roof and turned around
Next thing I know I am sidewalk bound!"

Davis noted "You are dressed in fur from head to foot
To find a better Santa you'd be hard put,
Those presents you had, that you were to begat
Looked like they were awesome, until you squashed them all flat"

Oscars eyes twinkled, his cheeks red and merry
Lacey asked him "Have you been at the Sherry?"
The drool from his mouth, suddenly drawn up like a bow
He said "It's the cold, It's all this damn snow!"

Emma called his bluff "There is no snow, you lie through your teeth,
You really are beyond any belief!"
Brent with his broad face, and his little round belly
Said "Enough of this, buy me a beer Karen Pelly?"

"It is not my round" said Karen like a big grumpy elf
"I will buy you one beer...and three for me and myself!"
"Awesome, great, I'll get some beer in my head,
Straight after I've been to the Ruby and got myself fed!"

Brent went to The Ruby, and tried not to shirk
On the Chilli Cheese Dog on which he did go to work
In walked Oscar, Wanda, Emma and Hank
Karen and Davis all joined him in the coffee he drank

Brent sprang to his feet, to the team gave a whistle
"Listen up one and all, here's something you won't want to miss..le"
"You are all great friends, you are all out of sight
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"


Here is a special Christmas treat from me. The first completely non official Corner Gas Advent Calendar! Come back every day, click on that days door and get yourself a bit of Dog River cheer!

Thank you everyone for your support over the last year, be sure to come back every week in 2018 when we will bring you even more fun from all your Corner Gas favourites!

Have a truly wonderful Christmas

With Love

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for your hard work, and another trip to our favorite fictional town -- Dog River!
    At least we didn't end up on a bus to Red Deer or somewhere like poor Lacey did. And, do the residents of Wullerton (spit!) have as much fun on Christmas as we Dog River folks?