Monday 10 December 2018

How the Grinch Stole Wullerton - A Dog River Christmas Story

Starring Oscar Leroy as The Grinch
Max the Dog has been replaced by Hank Yarbo

Every Wul down in Wullerton
Were a friendly old lot
But the Grinch
Of Dog River, did he like them
He did NOT!

The Grinch hated Wullerton
For no rhyme nor reason
It's name made him spit
Whatever the season!

Why the Grinch was so miserable
Why isn't he quite right?
Maybe the pants he found by the road
Were just far too darned tight

But I think that the most likely
Reason of all
May have been that his brain
Was two sizes too small

But, whatever the reason
His brain or his pants
On Christmas Eve to The Grinch
The Wuls were no better than ants

Sitting in The Ruby,
He would dream all the day
Of throwing eggs at their warm lighted windows
Ringing their doorbells and running away

He knew that every Wul down in Wullerton
Would come to Dog River in a thrice
For the annual inter town hockey game
Where they always win on the ice

"And they're lacing their boots!" he snarled with a sneer
"Tomorrow is game night! It's practically here"

Then he looked at his betting slip
If he lost Emma would give him a drumming
"I must find some way to stop the Wul's team from coming!"

For tomorrow he knew...

..All the Wul supporters, the beasts
Would come early, and rush all the best seats

And then! Oh, the noise!
Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
The Grinch hated when the Wul's won
And they cheered on their boys

Then the Wuls young and old
Would sit down to feast
And they would feast and they'd feast
And they'd feast, feast, feast, feast!

They would feast on Wul-pudding
And festive Egg-Nog
Which the Grinch couldn't stand
"What's wrong with a good Chili Cheese Dog?"

They'd do something
He liked least of all
Every Wul from Wullerton
The tall and the small,

Would stand at the bar
The cash till keeps ringing
They would get drunk as skunks
And wouldn't stop singing

They'd sing! And they'd sing

And the more the Grinch thought
Of this Wul-winning-warble
Of their drinking "They'll get smashed
like a glass Christmas bauble"

"Why, for sixty three years
I've put up with it now!
My bet must be a winner
That will teach Emma...the dotty old cow!"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea

"I know just what to do!"
The Grinch laughed in a fit
And he made himself a quick
Hockey mask and Hockey kit

And he chuckled and he clucked
"What a great Grinchy trick
If anyone gets in my way
They'll get a whack from my big goalie stick!"

"All I need is a patsy..."
The Grinch looked around
He lived in Dog River
Patsies are everywhere to be found

Nothing to stop the old Grinch
His plan, it was strong
"I'll find a fall guy
What could possibly go wrong!"

So he called his friend Hank
"His brain cells are dead"
But when Hank wouldn't help
Grinch smacked him on top of his head

He loaded some bags
In to one of Hanks trucks
"I haven't any gas" Hank said
"Grinch loan me twenty bucks?"

Then the Grinch said "Git goin'"
And the truck started down
Toward Wullerton where Wul's
Lay a-snooze in their town

All their windows were dark
Swearing filled the air
The Grinch stubbed his toe
On a rock he didn't know that was there
When he and Hank came to the first little
house on the square

"This is stop number one,"
The old Grinchy hissed
"I'll stop them from coming to Dog River
Winning and getting themselves very.....drunk"

He gave Hank a crow bar
To jimmy the door
"Run in grab their hockey gear
Pinch their skates from the floor!"

Hank smashed the door down
In a moment or two
Tripped over a cat and got stuck
In the fireplace flue

The Grinch saw Wul Hockey socks hung
in a row
"Those socks ..and that jock" he grinned
"Are the first things to go"

Then he slithered and slunk with a smile
like a crescent
Hank handed him the jock
Which did smell most unpleasant

Hank took everything
Without time to linger
The Grinch didn't help less he'd leave
A print from his finger

The Grinch slunk to the icebox
for a quick midnight feast
Nothing but Wul-pudding
Nothing nice in the least

"You got anything anything to eat?"
He asked Hank who, rather nimbly
Stuffed a mince pie in his mouth
He had found left by the chimbly*                       

* Yes, "chimbly", it's in the book so I can use it too!

"No nothing at all"
Hank lied in a flash
Spraying mince pie crumbs as he spoke
On the Grinch they did splash

Grinch grabbed up a hockey trophy
From the top of the telly
"Let's get out of here quick
'case we run into Karen Pelly!"

He picked up the last thing
Which was a goalie glove
When he heard a small sound
like the coo of a dove

He turned around fast, which made his head
kinda spacey
When he spun around who stood there?
Holy hell! It was Lacey!

"What are the chances of you being here"
Grinch asked her this query
"We have to write all the characters in
That would be the best theory"

So for being caught
He had Lacey to thank
He said "It wasn't me that did it,
It was him, it was Hank!"

She stared at the Grinch
and the Grinch stared back
He wondered if
She would go on the attack

Now that old Grinch
Wasn't so smart or so slick
He couldn't think up a lie
Particularly quick

So he said to Lacey
"What's that over there" his voice full of worry
As she turned to see what
He ran off in a hurry

His fib had fooled Lacey
"She's thick in the head"
Grinch laughed like a loon
At the thing he just said

He did the same thing
To the other Wul houses
"I'll leave no gear at all
for those hockey team louses"

It was quarter past dawn
All the Wuls still in bed a-dreaming
Woke up with a start
From the sound of Hanks truck tyres screaming

The truck was packed up with their uniforms
Their skates and their kit
Under the weight
The truck couldn't move, not one bit

"We'll carry the bags to
the corn elevator
We'll take it to the tip top
and hide it all of later"

"Pooh-pooh to the Wuls" he was
grinch-ish-ly humming
"They're finding out that no
Hockey game is coming!"

"They're just waking up now, I know
what they'll do!
Their forfeit the game with a phone call
or two"
"A victory for Dog River, I win my bet

"That's a noise" grinned the Grinch,
"That I simply must hear!"
"Let's get to the rink
and tell all the Wuls are not coming this year"

At the rink he did hear a sound
Rising across the ice
It was a sound
He didn't find nice

The sound wasn't sad
Why the sound sounded merry
Of a crowd of Wuls whooping
Their team was winning, VERY!

He stared down at his watch
The Grinch popped his eyes
Then he shook! What he saw
was a shocking surprise

"Today is the 26th
I got the date wrong!
We took all their old stuff
Now they have their new skates on!"

Every Wul from Wullerton, the tall
and the small
Was singing and winning, without any effort at all

He HADN'T stopped the game from coming
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his
grinch feet on the ice that was cold
Stood puzzling and puzzling,
 "This winning thing's already old"

"They came without sticks,
They came without bags
If I loose this whole bet
Emma will shout  - the old nag!"

And he puzzled until half time
With the Zamboni at work
"It's all Santas fault
That gift giving jerk!"

He thought "It's Christmas
I should give these Wuls some glad tidings
Even though they are giving Dog River
A complete and utter hiding"

And what happened then...?
Well.... in Dog River they say
That the Grinch's small heart
Shrunk three times smaller that day!

And the minute his heart didn't
feel quite right
He threw boots, shoes and sticks
at the Wul team well into the night

He yelled and he screamed at the team
Things rude crude and crass
"Get out of Dog River
You stupid Jackass!"

N.B. Brent Leroy and Davis Quinton were busy playing knuckles whilst these events were taking place.