Sunday, 24 February 2019

By Popular Demand - Your 100 Greatest Corner Gas Moments - Pt 1

Good evening. Ladies, Gentlemen, distinguished members of the Academy. We have gathered here at the Ilfracombe Municiple Villiage Hall and Lido to celebrate six seasons of classic Corner Gas moments. I must mention that I have been asked to make sure that our ceremony is finished by seven o'clock so the over 70's Freestyle Pole Dancing Team can get in the hall to start practice on time. I hear they have a real chance of winning the cup this year if Edith recovers from that terrible accident when her support tights got caught in that revolving door.

First a quick word from our sponsors.
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This years ceremony is bought to you by "Neville Scringe Vague Ilfracombe Street Tours". When visiting our lovely town why not let Neville Scringe show you the wonderful historical sites and places of beauty with all the enthusiasm of someone who has been a tour guide in the same town for nearly 27 years. Wonder, as Neville to points at things that are directly in front of you just in case you haven't noticed them. Neville will give you only the finest quality sighs and shoulder shrugs when you ask him pertinent questions about his home town. Marvel, at his more or less accurate descriptions of buildings of historical interest including the one where Blockbusters used to be. Neville Scringe kinda of knows roughly where all the sites of interest are in the area and has only got lost 27 times in the last 12 months, a vast improvement on the previous 26 years.

 "Neville Scringe Vague Ilfracombe Street Tours" book now to avoid delaying your disappointment.


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Over the last few weeks we have been collating votes from the public and despite the outcome we still went ahead with this ceremony. Hundreds of you in your thousands let us at Corner Gas Fan Corner know what your favourite Dog River moments were over the original six seasons of the show. The scenes are ranked by number of votes however if one episode had more scenes voted for that episode got moved up the chart. So not only will we know everyone's favourite scenes we will discover the most popular episode in the shows history! So with no further ado let's kick off the countdown of your top 100 Corner Gas moments -


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100 - Season 5, Episode 17 - Accidental Cleanist


Oscar: Who the hell do you think you are?

Brent: I like when you start a conversation just by yelling - no lead up, right into it. Valuable time saver

Oscar: I was walking downtown and what did I see? But Brent Leroy's Corner Gas Tree!"

Brent: So you wrote a poem about it?

Oscar: That just rhymed by accident. And where do you get off...

Brent: The tree is just a donation thing, for tax purposes. Plus, it makes a nice legacy.

Oscar: What about me? I founded this place, and you're trying to wipe me out of the picture with one lousy tree!

Brent: I wasn't trying to wipe you out. I mean, there are some memories I'd like to forget. 

Oscar: I built this place from the ground up! And this is the thanks I get. Well, I'll show you a legacy you won't soon forget!

Brent: I think that's actually the definition of legacy

Oscar: Smart guy! (Stomps off)

Brent: Lunatic, that's your legacy.

99 - Season 4, Episode 10 - One Piano, Four Hands

Brent replaces his Tyre air machine with a coin operated version -



98 - Season 4, Episode 11 - Kid Stuff

Brent: Mom has you on a budget? That's adorable. 

Oscar: It's not adorable, and it's not a budget. She just gives me so much money every week and that's it. 

Hank: So, uh, more like an allowance. 

[Brent and Hank both chuckle] 

Oscar: Oh, very funny, smart guy. It's not an allowance. It's a set amount of money, that Emma doles out at a set time, every week! 

[Brent and Hank just stare at him] 

Oscar: Holy Hell! I'm on an allowance!

97 - Season 3, Episode 6 - Mail Fraud

One word....

96 - Season 5, Episode 19 - Final Countdown

After an unfortunate firework incident Oscar is having trouble hearing -


Davis: Wanda is a scared! Wanda is scared!

Oscar: Walter has a beard! Walter Has a beard!

95 - Season 1, Episode 10 - Comedy Night

Lacey reflexively spits at the mention of rival town Wullerton which triggers Brents keen observation



94 - Season 2, Episode 1 - The Brent Effect

Three shots have been reported to Karen at the station, turns out Davis was the culprit, scaring off crows from the local farm!

Karen: I know you're my senior officer, so I say this with all due respect: How stupid are you? You can't just fire your gun off willy-nilly!

Davis: It wasn't willy-nilly. It was at Crows


You have to file a report every time you fire your weapon, whatever the reason.
It was crows, I said.
Are you even listening? You're having a thing with Brent? You work with Brent.
Does he ever talk about me? Sure, every day.
Really? What does he say? It depends on what your specials are.
Specials? The lunch specials.
If you have something like a steak sandwich, he thinks you're the greatest.
But if it's some salad with pine nuts and filberts and stuff from goats, it sours him up for the rest of the day.
Oh.
Lacey, are you having some kinda thing with Brent? No.
Maybe.
I mean we almost had a thing, I think.
Settle down.
You're gettin' me hot.
Do you still have that outboard motor or did some stooge buy it? I got someone to buy it.
90 bucks! Ooh.
Who's the sap? Yeah, I'd rather not say.
The buyer wants to keep it quiet.
You gotta hide me.
Hide you? If your mother finds me, she'll pull my arms off.
Mom's been here for five minutes.
You snitch.
Dad, if you're hiding from someone, don't hide in the place that you go to every day.
When Brent and I went to Regina to see the Grey Cup, his car ran out of gas and we spent the day together.
At one point we started discussing relationships or something and then we Did you sleep with Brent? No! Did you and Brent make out? Well, no.
Well, what? Did you see him pee or something? No.
Well, yeah.
But that's not what I meant.
We almost kissed.
You almost kissed? Mmhmm.
Wow.
That's a big deal for grade seven.
So you almost kissed.
So now you want to know how proceed, huh, take things to the next level? No.
No, no.
The exact opposite.
I - I just wanna be friends.
But I'm afraid if I tell Brent that it'll hurt his feelings For five bucks I'll tell him.
No.
That would hurt his feelings more.
Plus, he would think I was a coward.
Then give me five bucks or I'll tell him.
I need five bucks.
Your father's done a lot of stupid things.
You just realized that? But he's never stolen from me.
You stole from Mom? It was found money.
Where'd you find 90 bucks? In the house, in our house.
In my nightstand, on my side of the bed, in a drawer, in an envelope marked "Do not touch.
" How am I supposed to read in the dark? Dad, don't tell me you're the sap buying Hank's motor? Fine.
I won't tell ya.
"And any firing of the sidearm shall warrant "a full and thorough internal report to be executed and filed by a fellow officer.
" How are we supposed to know what's right and what's wrong when they keep adding new rules? This was published in 1964.
I wasn't even a cop in '64.
How am I supposed to know that stuff? That's why you need the money, for a stupid outboard motor? Maybe I'm buyin' you a present.
You bought me a plastic butter dish 15 years ago and now another present? Oh, keep it up and you won't get nothin'.
Can I talk to you? Yeah, okay.
Wanda, can you take over? Yeah, I think I can manage.
That's my money.
If it's your money, how come I have it? So, what's up? I got somethin' in my teeth?No.
It's about our trip to the Grey Cup.
Oh.
We-we had that moment, or kinda had that moment, and I was just Look, Lacey, um, I was kinda hopin' we could avoid this altogether.
I don't feel like we should be a couple.
You know? I - I think you're great and I like ya a lot.
It's just I honestly feel like we're supposed to be friends.
So let's just stay friends, okay? Will you be all right with that? Oh, sure.
Yeah.
That's great, actually.
Because that's what I was just gonna say.
Really? Excellent.
Right.
I'm just curious as to why you-you don't, um Back to work.
Talk to ya later.
What are the lunch specials today? Uh, pork chops.
Oh, Yes! You rule! Okay, so I'll just ask you a few questions, file a quick report, and, ah, we'll be done here.
Okay? All right, I guess.
So, you say you were out by Lumsden's farm? Yeah, just west of town.
Driving your patrol car? Of course.
Okay, okay.
We're on the same side, here, Davis.
No need to get defensive.
I'm not.
You're not on my side? I'm not defensive.
Hmm.
We can work this out.
Yeah, if you give me my money.
I just want some gas.
So could you Do I look like I work here? Does anyone work here? Hey, how ya doin'? Can I check the oil, clean the windshield? Do you collect AirMiles? I just want outta here.
I know that feeling.
Mom, Dad, settle down, okay? We're gonna have civilian casualties here and then we got the UN crawlin' all over the place.
Come again.
Oh, hey! We gotta find a solution to this.
I've been saving for six months to buy a new mixer and I'm buying a new mixer.
Hang on a second.
Dad wants a new outboard motor, Mom wants a new mixer.
Oh, okay, that won't work.
But you guys have to compromise.
It's too late.
Geez, he can really move when he wants to.
It's okay.
I know where he lives.
Hey.
How did your talk with Brent go? Before I had a chance to tell him that I wasn't really attracted to him, he told me he wasn't really attracted to me.
Mm, aah.
Yeah.
So it's good, you know, because I didn't have to hurt his feelings and now I'm just wondering why Why he's not attracted to you? Yeah.
I-I'm-I'm just curious.
No offence, Lacey, but, uh, you're kinda shootin' for the moon, there.
Pardon? You know? I mean Brent's just a bit outta your league.
Ah, out of my No offence.
You are a lovely, intelligent woman.
It's just that Brent's kind of unattainable.
Really? If we're talkin' just pure, raw, physical animal attractiveness, the average guy is, and Brent is.
Wow.
'Cause, you know, I've really, I-I really never thought of him like that.
Atta girl.
You tell yourself whatever you need to, to get over the sting of rejection, and then you pick yourself back up and you get back in the game.
You know, lower your standards, then get back in the game.
So you fired your gun off at 2:00? But you didn't get back here until 2:20.
What were you doin' for 20 minutes? Nothing.
What's that supposed to mean? Nothin'.
Just a lotta nothin', just thinkin' out loud.
You look like you could use a break.
You want a coffee? Yeah.
We're all out.
Strange.
What's that? Oh.
Wanda was just saying that Brent's really attractive.
Oh.
Yeah.
I don't know how she does it, havin' to work with him every day.
What do you mean? He's gorgeous.
I mean I'm a guy, I can't tell.
I just see the way women throw themselves at him.
Brent Leroy? Good looks, gas station.
Some guys have all the luck.
So Brent's really good looking? I know! So how often would you say you fire your handgun in the, ah, course of a week? I don't know.
I - I don't keep track.
I thought you said we were out of coffee.
Did I? Emma? Hey, uh, could I ask you something? Sure.
Okay.
Here it goes.
Uh, do you think your son might be attracted to me? Oh, I don't know.
I hope so.
You're a nice, pretty girl, you run your own business.
You'd do Brent a world of good.
Oh, no.
Thanks, Emma.
That's very sweet.
But I don't want you to think The problem, though, is with Brent himself.
In relationships, he's his own worst enemy.
What do you mean? He's so good looking.
Too good looking, really.
It can be a curse as well as a blessing.
Oh, I imagine it would be.
You're not the first to fall for that chiselled face, and I'm afraid you won't be the last.
So don't be too hurt if Brent ends up being a little bit beyond your reach.
Oh, well.
Thank you, Emma.
I - I'll keep that in mind.
But, just to be clear, I'm not falling for Brent.
Sure you're not.
Aww.
Did you get the money? I damn near died for it.
All right.
There it is.
Hah, hah.
Come to Papa.
Geez! What does this thing weigh? Kilograms? Talk right.
That's metric.
Metric? I got news for ya, Hank.
We won the war.
So what's the horsepower of this baby? It's like, 15 horsepower.
Hah! That's like 7,000 metric.
Really? Mmhmm.
You got yourself a deal.
Anyplace else? All over the place.
I shoot at sign posts, sometimes at sparrows, only because I know I'll never hit them.
And-and sometimes I-I shoot straight up into air, you know, to celebrate stuff.
Well, this has been a real eye opener, Davis.
I gotta tell ya.
Now what? I- I-I mean what'll happen? What-what-what happens next? You think I'll get disciplined? You think I'll get fired? What happens next is I sign this report, make it official, and according to regulation, I hand the completed report to my superior officer.
Here you go, Sir.
We need to talk.
No, no, we don't.
No.
No.
Talk-talk to Oscar.
He's the one that stole your money while you were out.
I don't know nothin' about it.
I know it's not your fault, Hank.
But I do need that money.
So, you like to play pool, do ya? Yeah.
How about you and I play a game of pool for that $90? I don't know, Emma.
I'm, uh, I'm actually really good.
I wouldn't want ya to think I was hustlin' ya.
Rack 'em.
There.
I beat ya 10 games in a row.
Can I go home now? How about the best 11 out of 21? Just take the money.
Hey.
Could I ask you something? Sure.
Do you think I'm attractive? Ah, let's get one thing straight.
I like guys.
I know, sometimes with me being a cop, people make assumptions.
We all have things in our past.
High school, pyjama party, tickle fight.
Let's start over.
Would you say that Brent is better looking, for a guy, than I am for a woman? I don't understand.
Brent told me he just wants to be friends, which is totally cool, and that's all I wanna be anyway.
Oh, Lacey.
So what if Brent doesn't want to go out with you.
You are way better looking for girls than he is for boys, way! Oh, Karen, thank you.
No problem.
I mean that's what friends do, right?Mmhmm.
They say things that aren't exactly true to make their friends feel good about themselves.
Is that what you just did? Yeah.
Usually you don't tell the person.
Oh.
Well, anyway, truth is, Brent is way outta your league.
Just lower the bar a little.
You'll find someone.
Oh.
You know how you guys all think that Brent is so handsome and unattainable and outta my league? Now, Lacey, no one ever said that.
Actually, I said something like that.
Oh, yeah, I did too.
Well, it seems to be a fairly general consensus around town.
But I have a theory.
Adaptation.
Yeah, that's it, for sure.
Don't humour her until she's done.
Sorry.
We have adapted to our surroundings, we have lowered our standards.
I mean think about the men of Dog River.
Do you see? We have adapted our standards because of what's available to us.
Brent, because he's not tragically flawed, is seen as beautiful when held up against the average.
Well, I see what you're saying.
But Do you see? Wanda agrees with me.
Oh, I am so glad that's settled.
Now I gotta get back to work.
Was that as big a load as it sounded? Huge load.
She's livin' in a dream world.
Yeah.
Brent's not hot.
Whatever.
Where you been? Thought I'd stay out of the house, give you a chance to rummage through my drawers and steal stuff.
You still upset about that? Stop livin' in the past.
Oh, I'll get over it, Oscar.
Because, trust me, you're gonna get yours.
What does that mean? Unbelievable! She put holes in my boat! We'll see about this.
See? Two can play the hole game.
What are you talking about? You put holes in my boat, I put holes in your bowls.
I never put holes in your boat.
Oh, right.
Somebody just comes along by Lumsden's farm and shoots it.
I gotta be more careful with my gun.
So you're not mad at me anymore? Nah.
You were right.
You put a good scare into me.
I learned my lesson.
Davis, I got a nest of squirrels in my attic.
Can I borrow your gun? There ya go.
Thanks.
Davis! Oh, right.
When you're finished, you're gonna have to file a report.
Yeah, not likely.
What? How's it goin'? I'm sittin' down, I'm eating.
For a lazy glutton, this is like a perfect day.
What is it you love so much about chili cheese dogs? What don't I love about them? Actually, I don't love the poppy seeds on the bun.
Could you get some plain ones? Just brush them off with your hands.
You heard me say I'm lazy, right? That's what you don't like.
What do you like about them? Oh, well, they're delicious, they're affordable, and, best of all, they're bite-sized.
You are so outta my league.
What's that mean? Closed Captioning by * I don't know the same things you don't know * * I don't know I just don't know * * It's a great big place * full of nothin' but space * and it's my happy place * I don't know Yes you do * * You just won't admit it * I don't know the same things you don't know * Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com * I don't know * I just don't know * 
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You have to file a report every time you fire your weapon, whatever the reason.
It was crows, I said.
Are you even listening? You're having a thing with Brent? You work with Brent.
Does he ever talk about me? Sure, every day.
Really? What does he say? It depends on what your specials are.
Specials? The lunch specials.
If you have something like a steak sandwich, he thinks you're the greatest.
But if it's some salad with pine nuts and filberts and stuff from goats, it sours him up for the rest of the day.
Oh.
Lacey, are you having some kinda thing with Brent? No.
Maybe.
I mean we almost had a thing, I think.
Settle down.
You're gettin' me hot.
Do you still have that outboard motor or did some stooge buy it? I got someone to buy it.
90 bucks! Ooh.
Who's the sap? Yeah, I'd rather not say.
The buyer wants to keep it quiet.
You gotta hide me.
Hide you? If your mother finds me, she'll pull my arms off.
Mom's been here for five minutes.
You snitch.
Dad, if you're hiding from someone, don't hide in the place that you go to every day.
When Brent and I went to Regina to see the Grey Cup, his car ran out of gas and we spent the day together.
At one point we started discussing relationships or something and then we Did you sleep with Brent? No! Did you and Brent make out? Well, no.
Well, what? Did you see him pee or something? No.
Well, yeah.
But that's not what I meant.
We almost kissed.
You almost kissed? Mmhmm.
Wow.
That's a big deal for grade seven.
So you almost kissed.
So now you want to know how proceed, huh, take things to the next level? No.
No, no.
The exact opposite.
I - I just wanna be friends.
But I'm afraid if I tell Brent that it'll hurt his feelings For five bucks I'll tell him.
No.
That would hurt his feelings more.
Plus, he would think I was a coward.
Then give me five bucks or I'll tell him.
I need five bucks.
Your father's done a lot of stupid things.
You just realized that? But he's never stolen from me.
You stole from Mom? It was found money.
Where'd you find 90 bucks? In the house, in our house.
In my nightstand, on my side of the bed, in a drawer, in an envelope marked "Do not touch.
" How am I supposed to read in the dark? Dad, don't tell me you're the sap buying Hank's motor? Fine.
I won't tell ya.
"And any firing of the sidearm shall warrant "a full and thorough internal report to be executed and filed by a fellow officer.
" How are we supposed to know what's right and what's wrong when they keep adding new rules? This was published in 1964.
I wasn't even a cop in '64.
How am I supposed to know that stuff? That's why you need the money, for a stupid outboard motor? Maybe I'm buyin' you a present.
You bought me a plastic butter dish 15 years ago and now another present? Oh, keep it up and you won't get nothin'.
Can I talk to you? Yeah, okay.
Wanda, can you take over? Yeah, I think I can manage.
That's my money.
If it's your money, how come I have it? So, what's up? I got somethin' in my teeth?No.
It's about our trip to the Grey Cup.
Oh.
We-we had that moment, or kinda had that moment, and I was just Look, Lacey, um, I was kinda hopin' we could avoid this altogether.
I don't feel like we should be a couple.
You know? I - I think you're great and I like ya a lot.
It's just I honestly feel like we're supposed to be friends.
So let's just stay friends, okay? Will you be all right with that? Oh, sure.
Yeah.
That's great, actually.
Because that's what I was just gonna say.
Really? Excellent.
Right.
I'm just curious as to why you-you don't, um Back to work.
Talk to ya later.
What are the lunch specials today? Uh, pork chops.
Oh, Yes! You rule! Okay, so I'll just ask you a few questions, file a quick report, and, ah, we'll be done here.
Okay? All right, I guess.
So, you say you were out by Lumsden's farm? Yeah, just west of town.
Driving your patrol car? Of course.
Okay, okay.
We're on the same side, here, Davis.
No need to get defensive.
I'm not.
You're not on my side? I'm not defensive.
Hmm.
We can work this out.
Yeah, if you give me my money.
I just want some gas.
So could you Do I look like I work here? Does anyone work here? Hey, how ya doin'? Can I check the oil, clean the windshield? Do you collect AirMiles? I just want outta here.
I know that feeling.
Mom, Dad, settle down, okay? We're gonna have civilian casualties here and then we got the UN crawlin' all over the place.
Come again.
Oh, hey! We gotta find a solution to this.
I've been saving for six months to buy a new mixer and I'm buying a new mixer.
Hang on a second.
Dad wants a new outboard motor, Mom wants a new mixer.
Oh, okay, that won't work.
But you guys have to compromise.
It's too late.
Geez, he can really move when he wants to.
It's okay.
I know where he lives.
Hey.
How did your talk with Brent go? Before I had a chance to tell him that I wasn't really attracted to him, he told me he wasn't really attracted to me.
Mm, aah.
Yeah.
So it's good, you know, because I didn't have to hurt his feelings and now I'm just wondering why Why he's not attracted to you? Yeah.
I-I'm-I'm just curious.
No offence, Lacey, but, uh, you're kinda shootin' for the moon, there.
Pardon? You know? I mean Brent's just a bit outta your league.
Ah, out of my No offence.
You are a lovely, intelligent woman.
It's just that Brent's kind of unattainable.
Really? If we're talkin' just pure, raw, physical animal attractiveness, the average guy is, and Brent is.
Wow.
'Cause, you know, I've really, I-I really never thought of him like that.
Atta girl.
You tell yourself whatever you need to, to get over the sting of rejection, and then you pick yourself back up and you get back in the game.
You know, lower your standards, then get back in the game.
So you fired your gun off at 2:00? But you didn't get back here until 2:20.
What were you doin' for 20 minutes? Nothing.
What's that supposed to mean? Nothin'.
Just a lotta nothin', just thinkin' out loud.
You look like you could use a break.
You want a coffee? Yeah.
We're all out.
Strange.
What's that? Oh.
Wanda was just saying that Brent's really attractive.
Oh.
Yeah.
I don't know how she does it, havin' to work with him every day.
What do you mean? He's gorgeous.
I mean I'm a guy, I can't tell.
I just see the way women throw themselves at him.
Brent Leroy? Good looks, gas station.
Some guys have all the luck.
So Brent's really good looking? I know! So how often would you say you fire your handgun in the, ah, course of a week? I don't know.
I - I don't keep track.
I thought you said we were out of coffee.
Did I? Emma? Hey, uh, could I ask you something? Sure.
Okay.
Here it goes.
Uh, do you think your son might be attracted to me? Oh, I don't know.
I hope so.
You're a nice, pretty girl, you run your own business.
You'd do Brent a world of good.
Oh, no.
Thanks, Emma.
That's very sweet.
But I don't want you to think The problem, though, is with Brent himself.
In relationships, he's his own worst enemy.
What do you mean? He's so good looking.
Too good looking, really.
It can be a curse as well as a blessing.
Oh, I imagine it would be.
You're not the first to fall for that chiselled face, and I'm afraid you won't be the last.
So don't be too hurt if Brent ends up being a little bit beyond your reach.
Oh, well.
Thank you, Emma.
I - I'll keep that in mind.
But, just to be clear, I'm not falling for Brent.
Sure you're not.
Aww.
Did you get the money? I damn near died for it.
All right.
There it is.
Hah, hah.
Come to Papa.
Geez! What does this thing weigh? Kilograms? Talk right.
That's metric.
Metric? I got news for ya, Hank.
We won the war.
So what's the horsepower of this baby? It's like, 15 horsepower.
Hah! That's like 7,000 metric.
Really? Mmhmm.
You got yourself a deal.
Anyplace else? All over the place.
I shoot at sign posts, sometimes at sparrows, only because I know I'll never hit them.
And-and sometimes I-I shoot straight up into air, you know, to celebrate stuff.
Well, this has been a real eye opener, Davis.
I gotta tell ya.
Now what? I- I-I mean what'll happen? What-what-what happens next? You think I'll get disciplined? You think I'll get fired? What happens next is I sign this report, make it official, and according to regulation, I hand the completed report to my superior officer.
Here you go, Sir.
We need to talk.
No, no, we don't.
No.
No.
Talk-talk to Oscar.
He's the one that stole your money while you were out.
I don't know nothin' about it.
I know it's not your fault, Hank.
But I do need that money.
So, you like to play pool, do ya? Yeah.
How about you and I play a game of pool for that $90? I don't know, Emma.
I'm, uh, I'm actually really good.
I wouldn't want ya to think I was hustlin' ya.
Rack 'em.
There.
I beat ya 10 games in a row.
Can I go home now? How about the best 11 out of 21? Just take the money.
Hey.
Could I ask you something? Sure.
Do you think I'm attractive? Ah, let's get one thing straight.
I like guys.
I know, sometimes with me being a cop, people make assumptions.
We all have things in our past.
High school, pyjama party, tickle fight.
Let's start over.
Would you say that Brent is better looking, for a guy, than I am for a woman? I don't understand.
Brent told me he just wants to be friends, which is totally cool, and that's all I wanna be anyway.
Oh, Lacey.
So what if Brent doesn't want to go out with you.
You are way better looking for girls than he is for boys, way! Oh, Karen, thank you.
No problem.
I mean that's what friends do, right?Mmhmm.
They say things that aren't exactly true to make their friends feel good about themselves.
Is that what you just did? Yeah.
Usually you don't tell the person.
Oh.
Well, anyway, truth is, Brent is way outta your league.
Just lower the bar a little.
You'll find someone.
Oh.
You know how you guys all think that Brent is so handsome and unattainable and outta my league? Now, Lacey, no one ever said that.
Actually, I said something like that.
Oh, yeah, I did too.
Well, it seems to be a fairly general consensus around town.
But I have a theory.
Adaptation.
Yeah, that's it, for sure.
Don't humour her until she's done.
Sorry.
We have adapted to our surroundings, we have lowered our standards.
I mean think about the men of Dog River.
Do you see? We have adapted our standards because of what's available to us.
Brent, because he's not tragically flawed, is seen as beautiful when held up against the average.
Well, I see what you're saying.
But Do you see? Wanda agrees with me.
Oh, I am so glad that's settled.
Now I gotta get back to work.
Was that as big a load as it sounded? Huge load.
She's livin' in a dream world.
Yeah.
Brent's not hot.
Whatever.
Where you been? Thought I'd stay out of the house, give you a chance to rummage through my drawers and steal stuff.
You still upset about that? Stop livin' in the past.
Oh, I'll get over it, Oscar.
Because, trust me, you're gonna get yours.
What does that mean? Unbelievable! She put holes in my boat! We'll see about this.
See? Two can play the hole game.
What are you talking about? You put holes in my boat, I put holes in your bowls.
I never put holes in your boat.
Oh, right.
Somebody just comes along by Lumsden's farm and shoots it.
I gotta be more careful with my gun.
So you're not mad at me anymore? Nah.
You were right.
You put a good scare into me.
I learned my lesson.
Davis, I got a nest of squirrels in my attic.
Can I borrow your gun? There ya go.
Thanks.
Davis! Oh, right.
When you're finished, you're gonna have to file a report.
Yeah, not likely.
What? How's it goin'? I'm sittin' down, I'm eating.
For a lazy glutton, this is like a perfect day.
What is it you love so much about chili cheese dogs? What don't I love about them? Actually, I don't love the poppy seeds on the bun.
Could you get some plain ones? Just brush them off with your hands.
You heard me say I'm lazy, right? That's what you don't like.
What do you like about them? Oh, well, they're delicious, they're affordable, and, best of all, they're bite-sized.
You are so outta my league.
What's that mean? Closed Captioning by * I don't know the same things you don't know * * I don't know I just don't know * * It's a great big place * full of nothin' but space * and it's my happy place * I don't know Yes you do * * You just won't admit it * I don't know the same things you don't know * Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com * I don't know * I just don't know * 
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We got a call.
A what? Reports of gunfire just west of town.
Relax.
It's nothin'.
Nothing? It's three, maybe four gunshots.
It was three, I think.
Yeah, three.
They were your shots? Yeah.
I was down at Lumsden's farm.
He had a buncha crows eatin' his corn.
So you figured you should start shooting at them? Well, not right That stupid scarecrow he's got is useless.
It isn't scary in the least.
Caw! A scarecrow should look scary.
That's the whole point.
Davis, I know you're my senior officer, so I say this with all due respect.
How stupid are you? You can't just fire your gun off willy-nilly.
It wasn't willy-nilly.
It was at crows.

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We got a call.
A what? Reports of gunfire just west of town.
Relax.
It's nothin'.
Nothing? It's three, maybe four gunshots.
It was three, I think.
Yeah, three.
They were your shots? Yeah.
I was down at Lumsden's farm.
He had a buncha crows eatin' his corn.
So you figured you should start shooting at them? Well, not right That stupid scarecrow he's got is useless.
It isn't scary in the least.
Caw! A scarecrow should look scary.
That's the whole point.
Davis, I know you're my senior officer, so I say this with all due respect.
How stupid are you? You can't just fire your gun off willy-nilly.
It wasn't willy-nilly.
It was at crows.

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93 - Season 3, Episode 8 - Trees A Crowd

When faced with a moments trouble with the kids who have taken over their old tree house, Brent needs back up from Hank




92 - Season 2, Episode 14 - Doc Small

Due to many misunderstandings new Doctor in Dog River, Chris Garner, may well decide working in the town is not for her - 

I'm just trying to show Chris that we're pretty down to earth.

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Lacey: I'm just trying to show Chris  that we are pretty down to earth. Right now Brent is bunking with a good friend

Dr. Chris: I heard

Brent: I just had to kick him out. Everything was going ok but he wanted to bring animals into it!


Later - Dr. Chris can take no more!

Dr. Chris: Please. You guys think I don't know what's going on? It's obvious the whole town has conspired to convince me not to live here. The weird sexcapades of Brent and his friends. 

(Brent takes his arm out from around Davis)

Dr. Chris: People tossing their kids out, and the constant smothering by this woman who dresses all slutty!

Lacey: (Fake laugh) Flirty...!



91 -  Season 1, Episode 12 - Face Off

Ronny Rocket Ice Hockey hero from neighboring town asked Brent to leave the Dog River River Dogs to join his team as goalie -

Brent: I don't know Ronny I am flattered and everything but I am going to have to decline the offer

Hank: Hey ya five hole whats this jerk doing here

Brent: Ronny here asked me to play for The Saints

Hank: What you got a lotta nerve buddy. I hope you told him to go hump a stump

Brent: Better. I declined the offer. He had no comeback

Ronny: Hey, no skin off my nose, but if you were to play with us you wouldn't be humiliated by me scoring on you every game

Brent: Not every game, this never happened

Ronny: Speaking metaphorically

Brent: Yeah well, why don't you speak leave aphorically, Scram-Aphorically!

Hank: Piss off-aphorically

Ronny: What are you guys seven

Brent: What are you guys seven? Burn!


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90 - Season 6, Episode 7 - American Resolution

Wanda gives up red licorice for her resolution. Once the craving sets in she starts hearing things!


Wanda: [to Hank] You are a mental case! [to the licorice] Will you shut up for two minutes! I'm talking here!


89 - Season 3, Episode 7 - Fun Run

No one can keep up with the incomparable Jann Arden!







88 - Season 3, Episode 1 - Dress for Success

Oscar: Reach up and take $10,000 off the fictional money tree and hand it to me


Brent: But why can't you do that yourself? Did some fictional hooligan steal your make believe ladder?

Oscar: It's against the rules. We can each take ten grand, that's it, that's the rules. Without rules nothin' makes sense!

Brent: With rules this makes no sense. What are you going to do with this money?

Oscar: I got a hot stock tip! I'm sinkin' the whole ten grand!

Brent: Yeah, I bet sinkin' is the right word. OK, I'll get you your invisible cash. Here, hold my Monkey (mimes handing Oscar a Monkey)


Reach up and take $10,000 off the fictional money tree and hand it to me.
But why can't you do that yourself? Did some fictional hooligan steal your make-believe ladder? It's against the rules.
We can each take 10 grand, that's it, that's the rules.
Without rules, nothin' makes sense.
With rules this makes no sense.
What are you gonna do with this money? I got a hot stock tip.
I'm sinkin' the whole Yeah, I bet sinkin' is the right word.
Fine, I'll get you your invisible cash.
Hold my monkey.
Okay, I got a big mitt full of cash.
It feels like about 10 G's.
Large bills okay? Thank you.
Was that so hard? Aren't you gonna count it? Smart guy.

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87 - Season 3, Episode 15 - Block Party

Hank attempts to build a replica of Dog River out of Lego and it starts to affect his dreams!




86 - Season 4, Episode 9 - Outside Joke

Davis has absolutely no idea how to perform a decent practical joke. The most voted for example of this is a swoosh cut that shows Davis throwing a dirty big rock at Emma's car and shouting "April Fool!"  ....it's funnier if you watch it.


85 - Season 5, Episode 5 - Wash Me

Hank uses his dirty truck to organise his life!



84 - Season 3, Episode 10 - Safety First

This episode marks the first time we hear top Ruby chef Josh speak!

Josh: That's all you see me as, a busboy? You don't know that I've always wanted to work on a Llama farm!

Lacey: Yeah? Well, be careful! They bite your fingers off!

Brent: Oh, that's not gonna work. Danger's part of the allure of Llama farming

Lacey: Did you know he wanted to work with Llamas?

Brent: I didn't even know he could talk!

83 - Season 2, Episode 13 Pandoras Wine


Courtesy of Lacey, Oscar and Emma get hooked on various expensive food that they initially claim not to enjoy before trying it. They plot a "revenge brunch" hoping to get Lacey hooked on expensive food in return.



82 - Season 3, Episode 14 - Friend of a Friend



81 - Howler Headlines

There are so many to choose from but this one came out everyone's favourite


80 - Season 1, Episode 4  - Oh Baby

Lacey: I feel like a glass of wine. What's your house red?

Paul: Not sure. (Shouts to someone out back) Hey, what's it say on that bag of wine over there? No that's Ketchup, the one beside it

Lacey: You know what, beer's good

79 - Season 5, Episode 1 - Cable Excess

Oscar: Street Legal Sucked!


78 - Season 6, Episode 9 - Rock Stars

Oscar: (to the father of Brent's guitar teacher) Tell your kid to stopfilling my kids head full of rock n roll dreams

Mr: Dillems: Who's your kid?

Oscar: Brent! The big one. Big head. This high, this wide. Wears jeans

Mr. Dillems: Oh, the beginner? I always thought he was weird, but now I see his old man, it all makes sense

Oscar: What's that supposed to mean?

Mr. Dillems: It means you're a nutcase, and I don't want you or your weirdo son taking lessons from my kid
       
Oscar: Well, I won't let my kid hang out with your kid, because your kid has a jackass for a father

Mr. Dillems: You can't insult my whole family like that!

Oscar: Your whole jackass family!

77 - Season 2, Episode 9 - Bingo Night

Cheeky Ruby customers are bringing in packaged cookies to eat and Lacey is all ticked off about it!


76 - Season 4, Episode 19 - Gopher It

Voted for as the saddest moment in Corner Gas history. Lacey leaves Dog River. I could tell you more, but you know...spoilers!


75 - Season 3, Episode 2 - Key to the Future

The cold open to this episode comes out as many peoples favourite. With Brents Bugs Bunny to Hanks Daffy Duck you always know who is going to come out on top!



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So there we have it, your first 25 entries, and they are all doozies. I bet you are all on the edge of your seat! Has your favourite already been picked, what will make the top spot? We will be right back after these messages!
----------

Coming soon the theaters near you, the monster movie you have all been waiting for! The King of Skull Island returns to reek terror, cause mayhem and to join a close harmony barbershop quartet! You will scream in terror as Kong takes on a three headed serpent! You will shriek as he bats war planes out of the sky like flies! You will dance as he sings bass on "Life Could be a Dream"! Get your tickets now for "King-Kong-Ding-Dong-Sing-a-Long-a-Thon" - only at theatres!

With thanks to Blog Paper Twitter followers, the Facebook View From Dog River Community and in particular Sharon Gilbert-Bernard and her whole family and Lenka. Biggest thanks to Bill Concannon who with a throw away comment somewhere on the internet sparked this whole idea. 
You have to file a report every time you fire your weapon, whatever the reason.
It was crows, I said.
Are you even listening? You're having a thing with Brent? You work with Brent.
Does he ever talk about me? Sure, every day.
Really? What does he say? It depends on what your specials are.
Specials? The lunch specials.
If you have something like a steak sandwich, he thinks you're the greatest.
But if it's some salad with pine nuts and filberts and stuff from goats, it sours him up for the rest of the day.
Oh.
Lacey, are you having some kinda thing with Brent? No.
Maybe.
I mean we almost had a thing, I think.
Settle down.
You're gettin' me hot.
Do you still have that outboard motor or did some stooge buy it? I got someone to buy it.
90 bucks! Ooh.
Who's the sap? Yeah, I'd rather not say.
The buyer wants to keep it quiet.
You gotta hide me.
Hide you? If your mother finds me, she'll pull my arms off.
Mom's been here for five minutes.
You snitch.
Dad, if you're hiding from someone, don't hide in the place that you go to every day.
When Brent and I went to Regina to see the Grey Cup, his car ran out of gas and we spent the day together.
At one point we started discussing relationships or something and then we Did you sleep with Brent? No! Did you and Brent make out? Well, no.
Well, what? Did you see him pee or something? No.
Well, yeah.
But that's not what I meant.
We almost kissed.
You almost kissed? Mmhmm.
Wow.
That's a big deal for grade seven.
So you almost kissed.
So now you want to know how proceed, huh, take things to the next level? No.
No, no.
The exact opposite.
I - I just wanna be friends.
But I'm afraid if I tell Brent that it'll hurt his feelings For five bucks I'll tell him.
No.
That would hurt his feelings more.
Plus, he would think I was a coward.
Then give me five bucks or I'll tell him.
I need five bucks.
Your father's done a lot of stupid things.
You just realized that? But he's never stolen from me.
You stole from Mom? It was found money.
Where'd you find 90 bucks? In the house, in our house.
In my nightstand, on my side of the bed, in a drawer, in an envelope marked "Do not touch.
" How am I supposed to read in the dark? Dad, don't tell me you're the sap buying Hank's motor? Fine.
I won't tell ya.
"And any firing of the sidearm shall warrant "a full and thorough internal report to be executed and filed by a fellow officer.
" How are we supposed to know what's right and what's wrong when they keep adding new rules? This was published in 1964.
I wasn't even a cop in '64.
How am I supposed to know that stuff? That's why you need the money, for a stupid outboard motor? Maybe I'm buyin' you a present.
You bought me a plastic butter dish 15 years ago and now another present? Oh, keep it up and you won't get nothin'.
Can I talk to you? Yeah, okay.
Wanda, can you take over? Yeah, I think I can manage.
That's my money.
If it's your money, how come I have it? So, what's up? I got somethin' in my teeth?No.
It's about our trip to the Grey Cup.
Oh.
We-we had that moment, or kinda had that moment, and I was just Look, Lacey, um, I was kinda hopin' we could avoid this altogether.
I don't feel like we should be a couple.
You know? I - I think you're great and I like ya a lot.
It's just I honestly feel like we're supposed to be friends.
So let's just stay friends, okay? Will you be all right with that? Oh, sure.
Yeah.
That's great, actually.
Because that's what I was just gonna say.
Really? Excellent.
Right.
I'm just curious as to why you-you don't, um Back to work.
Talk to ya later.
What are the lunch specials today? Uh, pork chops.
Oh, Yes! You rule! Okay, so I'll just ask you a few questions, file a quick report, and, ah, we'll be done here.
Okay? All right, I guess.
So, you say you were out by Lumsden's farm? Yeah, just west of town.
Driving your patrol car? Of course.
Okay, okay.
We're on the same side, here, Davis.
No need to get defensive.
I'm not.
You're not on my side? I'm not defensive.
Hmm.
We can work this out.
Yeah, if you give me my money.
I just want some gas.
So could you Do I look like I work here? Does anyone work here? Hey, how ya doin'? Can I check the oil, clean the windshield? Do you collect AirMiles? I just want outta here.
I know that feeling.
Mom, Dad, settle down, okay? We're gonna have civilian casualties here and then we got the UN crawlin' all over the place.
Come again.
Oh, hey! We gotta find a solution to this.
I've been saving for six months to buy a new mixer and I'm buying a new mixer.
Hang on a second.
Dad wants a new outboard motor, Mom wants a new mixer.
Oh, okay, that won't work.
But you guys have to compromise.
It's too late.
Geez, he can really move when he wants to.
It's okay.
I know where he lives.
Hey.
How did your talk with Brent go? Before I had a chance to tell him that I wasn't really attracted to him, he told me he wasn't really attracted to me.
Mm, aah.
Yeah.
So it's good, you know, because I didn't have to hurt his feelings and now I'm just wondering why Why he's not attracted to you? Yeah.
I-I'm-I'm just curious.
No offence, Lacey, but, uh, you're kinda shootin' for the moon, there.
Pardon? You know? I mean Brent's just a bit outta your league.
Ah, out of my No offence.
You are a lovely, intelligent woman.
It's just that Brent's kind of unattainable.
Really? If we're talkin' just pure, raw, physical animal attractiveness, the average guy is, and Brent is.
Wow.
'Cause, you know, I've really, I-I really never thought of him like that.
Atta girl.
You tell yourself whatever you need to, to get over the sting of rejection, and then you pick yourself back up and you get back in the game.
You know, lower your standards, then get back in the game.
So you fired your gun off at 2:00? But you didn't get back here until 2:20.
What were you doin' for 20 minutes? Nothing.
What's that supposed to mean? Nothin'.
Just a lotta nothin', just thinkin' out loud.
You look like you could use a break.
You want a coffee? Yeah.
We're all out.
Strange.
What's that? Oh.
Wanda was just saying that Brent's really attractive.
Oh.
Yeah.
I don't know how she does it, havin' to work with him every day.
What do you mean? He's gorgeous.
I mean I'm a guy, I can't tell.
I just see the way women throw themselves at him.
Brent Leroy? Good looks, gas station.
Some guys have all the luck.
So Brent's really good looking? I know! So how often would you say you fire your handgun in the, ah, course of a week? I don't know.
I - I don't keep track.
I thought you said we were out of coffee.
Did I? Emma? Hey, uh, could I ask you something? Sure.
Okay.
Here it goes.
Uh, do you think your son might be attracted to me? Oh, I don't know.
I hope so.
You're a nice, pretty girl, you run your own business.
You'd do Brent a world of good.
Oh, no.
Thanks, Emma.
That's very sweet.
But I don't want you to think The problem, though, is with Brent himself.
In relationships, he's his own worst enemy.
What do you mean? He's so good looking.
Too good looking, really.
It can be a curse as well as a blessing.
Oh, I imagine it would be.
You're not the first to fall for that chiselled face, and I'm afraid you won't be the last.
So don't be too hurt if Brent ends up being a little bit beyond your reach.
Oh, well.
Thank you, Emma.
I - I'll keep that in mind.
But, just to be clear, I'm not falling for Brent.
Sure you're not.
Aww.
Did you get the money? I damn near died for it.
All right.
There it is.
Hah, hah.
Come to Papa.
Geez! What does this thing weigh? Kilograms? Talk right.
That's metric.
Metric? I got news for ya, Hank.
We won the war.
So what's the horsepower of this baby? It's like, 15 horsepower.
Hah! That's like 7,000 metric.
Really? Mmhmm.
You got yourself a deal.
Anyplace else? All over the place.
I shoot at sign posts, sometimes at sparrows, only because I know I'll never hit them.
And-and sometimes I-I shoot straight up into air, you know, to celebrate stuff.
Well, this has been a real eye opener, Davis.
I gotta tell ya.
Now what? I- I-I mean what'll happen? What-what-what happens next? You think I'll get disciplined? You think I'll get fired? What happens next is I sign this report, make it official, and according to regulation, I hand the completed report to my superior officer.
Here you go, Sir.
We need to talk.
No, no, we don't.
No.
No.
Talk-talk to Oscar.
He's the one that stole your money while you were out.
I don't know nothin' about it.
I know it's not your fault, Hank.
But I do need that money.
So, you like to play pool, do ya? Yeah.
How about you and I play a game of pool for that $90? I don't know, Emma.
I'm, uh, I'm actually really good.
I wouldn't want ya to think I was hustlin' ya.
Rack 'em.
There.
I beat ya 10 games in a row.
Can I go home now? How about the best 11 out of 21? Just take the money.
Hey.
Could I ask you something? Sure.
Do you think I'm attractive? Ah, let's get one thing straight.
I like guys.
I know, sometimes with me being a cop, people make assumptions.
We all have things in our past.
High school, pyjama party, tickle fight.
Let's start over.
Would you say that Brent is better looking, for a guy, than I am for a woman? I don't understand.
Brent told me he just wants to be friends, which is totally cool, and that's all I wanna be anyway.
Oh, Lacey.
So what if Brent doesn't want to go out with you.
You are way better looking for girls than he is for boys, way! Oh, Karen, thank you.
No problem.
I mean that's what friends do, right?Mmhmm.
They say things that aren't exactly true to make their friends feel good about themselves.
Is that what you just did? Yeah.
Usually you don't tell the person.
Oh.
Well, anyway, truth is, Brent is way outta your league.
Just lower the bar a little.
You'll find someone.
Oh.
You know how you guys all think that Brent is so handsome and unattainable and outta my league? Now, Lacey, no one ever said that.
Actually, I said something like that.
Oh, yeah, I did too.
Well, it seems to be a fairly general consensus around town.
But I have a theory.
Adaptation.
Yeah, that's it, for sure.
Don't humour her until she's done.
Sorry.
We have adapted to our surroundings, we have lowered our standards.
I mean think about the men of Dog River.
Do you see? We have adapted our standards because of what's available to us.
Brent, because he's not tragically flawed, is seen as beautiful when held up against the average.
Well, I see what you're saying.
But Do you see? Wanda agrees with me.
Oh, I am so glad that's settled.
Now I gotta get back to work.
Was that as big a load as it sounded? Huge load.
She's livin' in a dream world.
Yeah.
Brent's not hot.
Whatever.
Where you been? Thought I'd stay out of the house, give you a chance to rummage through my drawers and steal stuff.
You still upset about that? Stop livin' in the past.
Oh, I'll get over it, Oscar.
Because, trust me, you're gonna get yours.
What does that mean? Unbelievable! She put holes in my boat! We'll see about this.
See? Two can play the hole game.
What are you talking about? You put holes in my boat, I put holes in your bowls.
I never put holes in your boat.
Oh, right.
Somebody just comes along by Lumsden's farm and shoots it.
I gotta be more careful with my gun.
So you're not mad at me anymore? Nah.
You were right.
You put a good scare into me.
I learned my lesson.
Davis, I got a nest of squirrels in my attic.
Can I borrow your gun? There ya go.
Thanks.
Davis! Oh, right.
When you're finished, you're gonna have to file a report.
Yeah, not likely.
What? How's it goin'? I'm sittin' down, I'm eating.
For a lazy glutton, this is like a perfect day.
What is it you love so much about chili cheese dogs? What don't I love about them? Actually, I don't love the poppy seeds on the bun.
Could you get some plain ones? Just brush them off with your hands.
You heard me say I'm lazy, right? That's what you don't like.
What do you like about them? Oh, well, they're delicious, they're affordable, and, best of all, they're bite-sized.
You are so outta my league.
What's that mean? Closed Captioning by * I don't know the same things you don't know * * I don't know I just don't know * * It's a great big place * full of nothin' but space * and it's my happy place * I don't know Yes you do * * You just won't admit it * I don't know the same things you don't know * Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com * I don't know * I just don't know * 
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You have to file a report every time you fire your weapon, whatever the reason.
It was crows, I said.
Are you even listening? You're having a thing with Brent? You work with Brent.
Does he ever talk about me? Sure, every day.
Really? What does he say? It depends on what your specials are.
Specials? The lunch specials.
If you have something like a steak sandwich, he thinks you're the greatest.
But if it's some salad with pine nuts and filberts and stuff from goats, it sours him up for the rest of the day.
Oh.
Lacey, are you having some kinda thing with Brent? No.
Maybe.
I mean we almost had a thing, I think.
Settle down.
You're gettin' me hot.
Do you still have that outboard motor or did some stooge buy it? I got someone to buy it.
90 bucks! Ooh.
Who's the sap? Yeah, I'd rather not say.
The buyer wants to keep it quiet.
You gotta hide me.
Hide you? If your mother finds me, she'll pull my arms off.
Mom's been here for five minutes.
You snitch.
Dad, if you're hiding from someone, don't hide in the place that you go to every day.
When Brent and I went to Regina to see the Grey Cup, his car ran out of gas and we spent the day together.
At one point we started discussing relationships or something and then we Did you sleep with Brent? No! Did you and Brent make out? Well, no.
Well, what? Did you see him pee or something? No.
Well, yeah.
But that's not what I meant.
We almost kissed.
You almost kissed? Mmhmm.
Wow.
That's a big deal for grade seven.
So you almost kissed.
So now you want to know how proceed, huh, take things to the next level? No.
No, no.
The exact opposite.
I - I just wanna be friends.
But I'm afraid if I tell Brent that it'll hurt his feelings For five bucks I'll tell him.
No.
That would hurt his feelings more.
Plus, he would think I was a coward.
Then give me five bucks or I'll tell him.
I need five bucks.
Your father's done a lot of stupid things.
You just realized that? But he's never stolen from me.
You stole from Mom? It was found money.
Where'd you find 90 bucks? In the house, in our house.
In my nightstand, on my side of the bed, in a drawer, in an envelope marked "Do not touch.
" How am I supposed to read in the dark? Dad, don't tell me you're the sap buying Hank's motor? Fine.
I won't tell ya.
"And any firing of the sidearm shall warrant "a full and thorough internal report to be executed and filed by a fellow officer.
" How are we supposed to know what's right and what's wrong when they keep adding new rules? This was published in 1964.
I wasn't even a cop in '64.
How am I supposed to know that stuff? That's why you need the money, for a stupid outboard motor? Maybe I'm buyin' you a present.
You bought me a plastic butter dish 15 years ago and now another present? Oh, keep it up and you won't get nothin'.
Can I talk to you? Yeah, okay.
Wanda, can you take over? Yeah, I think I can manage.
That's my money.
If it's your money, how come I have it? So, what's up? I got somethin' in my teeth?No.
It's about our trip to the Grey Cup.
Oh.
We-we had that moment, or kinda had that moment, and I was just Look, Lacey, um, I was kinda hopin' we could avoid this altogether.
I don't feel like we should be a couple.
You know? I - I think you're great and I like ya a lot.
It's just I honestly feel like we're supposed to be friends.
So let's just stay friends, okay? Will you be all right with that? Oh, sure.
Yeah.
That's great, actually.
Because that's what I was just gonna say.
Really? Excellent.
Right.
I'm just curious as to why you-you don't, um Back to work.
Talk to ya later.
What are the lunch specials today? Uh, pork chops.
Oh, Yes! You rule! Okay, so I'll just ask you a few questions, file a quick report, and, ah, we'll be done here.
Okay? All right, I guess.
So, you say you were out by Lumsden's farm? Yeah, just west of town.
Driving your patrol car? Of course.
Okay, okay.
We're on the same side, here, Davis.
No need to get defensive.
I'm not.
You're not on my side? I'm not defensive.
Hmm.
We can work this out.
Yeah, if you give me my money.
I just want some gas.
So could you Do I look like I work here? Does anyone work here? Hey, how ya doin'? Can I check the oil, clean the windshield? Do you collect AirMiles? I just want outta here.
I know that feeling.
Mom, Dad, settle down, okay? We're gonna have civilian casualties here and then we got the UN crawlin' all over the place.
Come again.
Oh, hey! We gotta find a solution to this.
I've been saving for six months to buy a new mixer and I'm buying a new mixer.
Hang on a second.
Dad wants a new outboard motor, Mom wants a new mixer.
Oh, okay, that won't work.
But you guys have to compromise.
It's too late.
Geez, he can really move when he wants to.
It's okay.
I know where he lives.
Hey.
How did your talk with Brent go? Before I had a chance to tell him that I wasn't really attracted to him, he told me he wasn't really attracted to me.
Mm, aah.
Yeah.
So it's good, you know, because I didn't have to hurt his feelings and now I'm just wondering why Why he's not attracted to you? Yeah.
I-I'm-I'm just curious.
No offence, Lacey, but, uh, you're kinda shootin' for the moon, there.
Pardon? You know? I mean Brent's just a bit outta your league.
Ah, out of my No offence.
You are a lovely, intelligent woman.
It's just that Brent's kind of unattainable.
Really? If we're talkin' just pure, raw, physical animal attractiveness, the average guy is, and Brent is.
Wow.
'Cause, you know, I've really, I-I really never thought of him like that.
Atta girl.
You tell yourself whatever you need to, to get over the sting of rejection, and then you pick yourself back up and you get back in the game.
You know, lower your standards, then get back in the game.
So you fired your gun off at 2:00? But you didn't get back here until 2:20.
What were you doin' for 20 minutes? Nothing.
What's that supposed to mean? Nothin'.
Just a lotta nothin', just thinkin' out loud.
You look like you could use a break.
You want a coffee? Yeah.
We're all out.
Strange.
What's that? Oh.
Wanda was just saying that Brent's really attractive.
Oh.
Yeah.
I don't know how she does it, havin' to work with him every day.
What do you mean? He's gorgeous.
I mean I'm a guy, I can't tell.
I just see the way women throw themselves at him.
Brent Leroy? Good looks, gas station.
Some guys have all the luck.
So Brent's really good looking? I know! So how often would you say you fire your handgun in the, ah, course of a week? I don't know.
I - I don't keep track.
I thought you said we were out of coffee.
Did I? Emma? Hey, uh, could I ask you something? Sure.
Okay.
Here it goes.
Uh, do you think your son might be attracted to me? Oh, I don't know.
I hope so.
You're a nice, pretty girl, you run your own business.
You'd do Brent a world of good.
Oh, no.
Thanks, Emma.
That's very sweet.
But I don't want you to think The problem, though, is with Brent himself.
In relationships, he's his own worst enemy.
What do you mean? He's so good looking.
Too good looking, really.
It can be a curse as well as a blessing.
Oh, I imagine it would be.
You're not the first to fall for that chiselled face, and I'm afraid you won't be the last.
So don't be too hurt if Brent ends up being a little bit beyond your reach.
Oh, well.
Thank you, Emma.
I - I'll keep that in mind.
But, just to be clear, I'm not falling for Brent.
Sure you're not.
Aww.
Did you get the money? I damn near died for it.
All right.
There it is.
Hah, hah.
Come to Papa.
Geez! What does this thing weigh? Kilograms? Talk right.
That's metric.
Metric? I got news for ya, Hank.
We won the war.
So what's the horsepower of this baby? It's like, 15 horsepower.
Hah! That's like 7,000 metric.
Really? Mmhmm.
You got yourself a deal.
Anyplace else? All over the place.
I shoot at sign posts, sometimes at sparrows, only because I know I'll never hit them.
And-and sometimes I-I shoot straight up into air, you know, to celebrate stuff.
Well, this has been a real eye opener, Davis.
I gotta tell ya.
Now what? I- I-I mean what'll happen? What-what-what happens next? You think I'll get disciplined? You think I'll get fired? What happens next is I sign this report, make it official, and according to regulation, I hand the completed report to my superior officer.
Here you go, Sir.
We need to talk.
No, no, we don't.
No.
No.
Talk-talk to Oscar.
He's the one that stole your money while you were out.
I don't know nothin' about it.
I know it's not your fault, Hank.
But I do need that money.
So, you like to play pool, do ya? Yeah.
How about you and I play a game of pool for that $90? I don't know, Emma.
I'm, uh, I'm actually really good.
I wouldn't want ya to think I was hustlin' ya.
Rack 'em.
There.
I beat ya 10 games in a row.
Can I go home now? How about the best 11 out of 21? Just take the money.
Hey.
Could I ask you something? Sure.
Do you think I'm attractive? Ah, let's get one thing straight.
I like guys.
I know, sometimes with me being a cop, people make assumptions.
We all have things in our past.
High school, pyjama party, tickle fight.
Let's start over.
Would you say that Brent is better looking, for a guy, than I am for a woman? I don't understand.
Brent told me he just wants to be friends, which is totally cool, and that's all I wanna be anyway.
Oh, Lacey.
So what if Brent doesn't want to go out with you.
You are way better looking for girls than he is for boys, way! Oh, Karen, thank you.
No problem.
I mean that's what friends do, right?Mmhmm.
They say things that aren't exactly true to make their friends feel good about themselves.
Is that what you just did? Yeah.
Usually you don't tell the person.
Oh.
Well, anyway, truth is, Brent is way outta your league.
Just lower the bar a little.
You'll find someone.
Oh.
You know how you guys all think that Brent is so handsome and unattainable and outta my league? Now, Lacey, no one ever said that.
Actually, I said something like that.
Oh, yeah, I did too.
Well, it seems to be a fairly general consensus around town.
But I have a theory.
Adaptation.
Yeah, that's it, for sure.
Don't humour her until she's done.
Sorry.
We have adapted to our surroundings, we have lowered our standards.
I mean think about the men of Dog River.
Do you see? We have adapted our standards because of what's available to us.
Brent, because he's not tragically flawed, is seen as beautiful when held up against the average.
Well, I see what you're saying.
But Do you see? Wanda agrees with me.
Oh, I am so glad that's settled.
Now I gotta get back to work.
Was that as big a load as it sounded? Huge load.
She's livin' in a dream world.
Yeah.
Brent's not hot.
Whatever.
Where you been? Thought I'd stay out of the house, give you a chance to rummage through my drawers and steal stuff.
You still upset about that? Stop livin' in the past.
Oh, I'll get over it, Oscar.
Because, trust me, you're gonna get yours.
What does that mean? Unbelievable! She put holes in my boat! We'll see about this.
See? Two can play the hole game.
What are you talking about? You put holes in my boat, I put holes in your bowls.
I never put holes in your boat.
Oh, right.
Somebody just comes along by Lumsden's farm and shoots it.
I gotta be more careful with my gun.
So you're not mad at me anymore? Nah.
You were right.
You put a good scare into me.
I learned my lesson.
Davis, I got a nest of squirrels in my attic.
Can I borrow your gun? There ya go.
Thanks.
Davis! Oh, right.
When you're finished, you're gonna have to file a report.
Yeah, not likely.
What? How's it goin'? I'm sittin' down, I'm eating.
For a lazy glutton, this is like a perfect day.
What is it you love so much about chili cheese dogs? What don't I love about them? Actually, I don't love the poppy seeds on the bun.
Could you get some plain ones? Just brush them off with your hands.
You heard me say I'm lazy, right? That's what you don't like.
What do you like about them? Oh, well, they're delicious, they're affordable, and, best of all, they're bite-sized.
You are so outta my league.
What's that mean? Closed Captioning by * I don't know the same things you don't know * * I don't know I just don't know * * It's a great big place * full of nothin' but space * and it's my happy place * I don't know Yes you do * * You just won't admit it * I don't know the same things you don't know * Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com * I don't know * I just don't know * 
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Corner Gas (2004) Episode Scripts   |   More Television Show Episode Scripts

 

 






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