Who Done It? - The Mystery of Tanner: The Truth Revealed - Part Two

Where do babies come from? Truth is, nobody really knows. This answer was the result of my painstaking research conducted at the age of seven. I am in fact paraphrasing my Dad when he replied to my questioning "Well, you're a mystery!" I consider this scientific result sound and have felt no need to conduct any follow up research. 

Until now. 

As you will know from my previous post we have yet to come anywhere close to resolving the mystery behind Tanner Vincent Dollard's complete parantage. We only have 50% of the answer in fact. 

I decided that I should pick up my ground breaking research to see if it would help us all get to the footnotes on this page in the Dog River history book. 

Well, this Saturday morning, the answer seemed to fall straight in my lap. According to the work of one Mr. Chuck Jones and his associates Mr. B. Bunny and D. Duck, babies are delivered to their parents by a Stork! An enebriated one at that. Now, on many of the Storks documented deliveries he always delivers the wrong baby! So this could mean that Tanner actually doesn't belong in Dog River at all.

It seems the Stork works in a similar vien to a postman. This would mean that someone had to put the package in the system as it were. There is still a culprit. We still need to delve deeper. So here are some more, in order of appearence, suggestions starting where we left off in our previous scribblings. 

SPARKY TUXFORD

Sparky/Slim/ Clarke Tuxford - maybe

There is not a lot known about Sparky other than he has two brothers and may possibly be dead, depending on which brother he actually is*. However, there is plenty of evidence that he may well be the father of Tanner. 

Here is England a Sparky is slang for some one who has the chosen profession of an Electrician. Now, from the evidence provided there is no suggestion of Mr. Tuxford's main sour of income. We could there for speculate that Sparky is a nick name. If we cobine the two lines of thought he may have come by that nick name for a number of reasons - 

1. He has (had) an electric personality that he used to win over Wanda**

2. He may have visited Wanda's to provide a service

3. He's very useful with his tool

SLIM TUXFORD

Sparky/Slim/Clark Tuxford - maybe

There is not a lot known about Slim other than he has two brothers and may possibly be dead, depending on which brother he actually is*. 

However, we can immediately illiminate Slim from our investigations due to the accident in the Corn Lift involving mistaken identity, a mouse and a pitch fork. 

CLARKE TUXFORD

Sparky/Slim/Clarke Tuxford - maybe

There is not a lot known about Clarke other than he has two brothers and may possibly be dead, depending on which brother he actually is*. However, there is plenty of evidence that he may well be the father of Tanner.

Clarke apparently has (had) big teeth. This detail alone could be enough to put him as the winner in the race to find the father of Tanner. Simply because he won all the races he ever took part in by sticking his head in front of the pack and his teeth would cross the finishing line first.***

KID FROM CO-OP WITH A NO FEAR T-SHIRT ON

Artists Impression

When he was mentioned in the episode Pilates Twist I thought I finally had the answer. Then I realised that when Brent said "Then he carried on bagging onions" this was not a euphamism and I realised that I made the same mistake as a cross eyed dog chasing a cat and had barked up the wrong tree.

PAUL KINISTINO

Paul, booze slinger at The Dog River Hotel, has had many an opertunity to woo young Wanda Dollard. In fact this photograph provides excellent evidence as to his possible responsiblity for child support back payments. 

This image was taken just seconds after he offered Wanda her usual and she replied "No thanks Paul, I'm designated driver for this young fella in my Winnebago if you know what I mean!" 

Initially, Paul thought to himself, "Wanda doesn't drive a Winnebago?" He gave it a moment and then, well, just look at his face. Is he remembering an evenings romance in the corn field after a box of wine (that was nearly a box of ketchup)? 

All we need to find out is if Tanner has a decent ponytail and we could have the answer to all our questions

HANK YARBO

Don't be so daft.

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So there we have it people. Are we any closer to the truth. Will the indentity of the Tanner Daddy be revealed. At this point, do we even care? 

Of course we do. More suspects will be rounded up shortly at Corner Gas Fan Corner. Until then please feel free to post your own theories in the comments section below or send them to me at the addresses available on my contacts page. 

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* Please see Corner Gas Season 1, Episode 3 - Pilates Twist if you have no idea what I am on about. All the above is based on this one episode. 

** Try saying Win over Wanda ten times quickly. 

      Win over Wanda is not - as much as I would like it to be the name of a Beach Boys song

*** No one ever said that any of this wouldn't be anything but tenuous!